AIDS to Your Grandmother
by AndyLLFrazier
Summary: (New characters in a different Community College) Mack invents a new greeting; "AIDS to your Grandmother" that catches on, but all that wishing AIDS on grandmothers has unintended consequences. As the saying goes; "be careful what you wish for"


On a community college campus pretty far from Greensdale, are a colorful cast of new characters on a journey of lesser higher education...

Pilot: "AIDS to Your Grandmother"

JEN: "I need to use a stapler."

ADMINISTRATOR: "Stapler is out of staples."

JEN: "God dammit! All the staplers are out of staples! I went to the library all three staplers are out of staples! I went room 111, stapler was out of staples! The stapler in the counseling office and at the front desk were all out of staples!"

ADMINISTRATOR: "Guess we got to get more staples."

JEN: "Urgghhh!"

* * *

MACK: "AIDS to your grandmother."

PASSERBY: "AIDS to your grandmother."

KEV: "What the hell was that?"

MACK: "It's a new way of greeting people by wishing AIDS on each other's grandmothers."

KEV: "I like it! AIDS to your grandmother."

MACK: "AIDS to your grandmother."

(Kev laid out on a table in the cafeteria a bunch of baseball cards.)

MACK: "What is your latest collection?"

KEV: "Baseball cards."

MACK: "That's lame, no one collects baseball cards anymore."

KEV: "Yeah but this isn't any baseball card collection. This is a collection of the worst baseball players in the history of the sport."

MACK: "Hey check this out, I learned how to throw cards."

KEV: "No don't."

(MACK puts the card in between his fingers.)

MACK: "No that's Marv Thorneberry, he's one of the worst of all time."

(MACK flings the card, KEV picks it up)

KEV: "Aw hell, its bent. You know, there are better ways of letting people know you are an asshole."

MACK "Like what?"

KEV: "Tell them. 'I am an asshole'."

MACK: "Maybe I will."

MACK walks off

KEV: "Maybe the campus homeless man will want my bent Marv Thronberry card."

* * *

CAMPUS HOMELESS MAN: "Hello there."

KEV: "AIDS to your grandmother."

CAMPUS HOMELESS MAN: "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!"

KEV: "Sorry, Campus Homeless man, I need your help with something."

CAMPUS HOMELESS MAN: "What can I help you with?"

KEV: "I want to start a company selling magic test pencils but nobody has any magic and I thought if anyone has magic, homeless people do. I will pay you for your magic."

CAMPUS HOMELESS MAN: "Lucky for you, I am a grand wizard."

KEV: "Great! Now imbue these pencils with magic test taking powers."

(HOMELESS WIZARD's eye's roll back in his head

HOMELESS WIZARD: "Test max accipere disciplinam"

KEV: "Cool!"

HOMELESS WIZARD: "This test pencil is now known as the legendary test pencil of Erethor: I imbued this test pencil with +20% test score and immunity to trick questions"

KEV: "That's a lot of power in one pencil. You are a great wizard!"

HOMELESS WIZARD: "What about my payment?"

KEV: "Here is a bent Marv Throneberry baseball card."

HOMELESS WIZARD: "I only accept bent staples. You must find me six bent staples."

KEV: "I accept your quest, homeless wizard."

* * *

KEV: "Bent Marv Thornberry card? No problem, I might find some use for it yet."

(KEV finds a man messing with a stapler.)

KEV: "AIDS to your grandmother"

PHIL: "AIDS to your grandmother"

KEV: "What are you doing?"

PHIL: "I'm adding to my bent staple collection."

KEV: "Cool! can I see?"

(PHIL unloads from his pockets handfulls of bent staples.)

KEV: "Woah! I would do anything to get those bent staples, but I have nothing to give you."

PHIL: "Is that a bent Marv Thornberry baseball card?"

KEV: "Why yes it is."

PHIL: "I'll give you forty staples for it."

KEV: "Deal!"

* * *

(KEV walks to the cafeteria and picks up a chicken sandwich. KEV walks up to the register, then fishes his hand in his pocket and withdraws some bent staples.)

CASHIER "AIDS to your grandmother"

KEV: "AIDS to your grandmother"

KEV: "Oh hell I forgot my wallet."

CASHIER: "Are those bent staples?"

KEV: "Yeah."

CASHIER: "Seven bent staples for that chicken sandwich."

KEV: "That seems pretty steep, but alright."

(KEV counts seven staples and gives it to the cashier.)

* * *

MACK: "AIDS to your grandmother, Jen."

JEN: "I don't play that game."

MACK: "Hey Jen, I wanted to tell you that I am an asshole."

JEN: "That's pretty sexy of you. I wanted to talk to you about something."

MACK: "What?"

JEN: "Something was bugging me so I decided to talk to my psychotherapist about it."

MACK: "Yeah so?"

JEN: "So I told her what was bugging me, and she got this look of trauma on her face, and then she lost the will to live and committed suicide."

MACK: "Oh well."

JEN: "I feel so much better after telling her though. Is that wrong?"

MACK: "No, Good for you!"

* * *

MARISSA: "I don't get it, why does the college creeper stalk girls like Sherri? What does he see in that ugly hag?"

KEV: "Are you jealous?"

MARISSA: "Well, I just don't get why he's not interested in stalking me is all."

KEV: "Maybe you ought to confront him and ask."

* * *

MARISSA: "Creeper I don't get what you see in Sherri." said Marissa

CREEPER: "I like the way her glands smell."

MARISSA: "My glands smell amazing, you've never smelled glands like these."

CREEPER: "Let me have a sniff."

MARISSA outstretches her neck. The creeper gives a long sniff.

CREEPER: "Your glands smell pretty good but you are no Sherri."

MARISSA: "Look, I want to make a deal with you, there's this guy Luke he only goes after girls who need protection. I want you to stalk me in front of him."

CREEPER: "What are you going to do for me?"

MARISSA: "I'll give you a hundred dollars."

CREEPER: "I don't need your money, but there is something you can do for me."

MARISSA: "What's that?"

CREEPER: "You can go on a date with me."

MARISSA: "No way."

CREEPER: "You won't win Luke over otherwise."

MARISSA: "Fine. We'll go on a coffee date or something, but you better stalk me as creepy as possible."

* * *

KEV stood at a table with pencils. A crowd gathered.

KEV: "AIDS to your Grandmothers! Get your legendary test pencils. These test pencils have been imbued with magic by a homeless wizard."

Onlookers crowd around.

KEV: "Behold! The legendary test pencil of Erethor. It adds 20 percentage points to any test you take, and has immunity to trick questions"

ONLOOKER1: "AIDS to your Grandmother, How much for the legendary test pencil of Erethor?"

KEV: "Ten dollars."

ONLOOKER: "Ten dollars? Sold!"

ONLOOKER pays KEV, KEV hands him the PENCIL.

ONLOOKER: "Yes! I no longer need to study."

KEV: "My business is conducted, come back tomorrow when I will have more magic test pencils."

* * *

(KEV and MACK walk up to one another infront of the TV)

KEV: "AIDS to your grandmother"

MACK: "Speaking of which you might want to check the news"

KEV turns on the news.

NEWS ANCHOR CLARA: "With more about the AIDS epidemic sweeping retirement home communities we have Chuck Williams on the scene, Chuck, what can you tell us?"

REPORTER CHUCK WILLIAMS: "Yes Clara, when news of the AIDS epidemic sweeping retirement communities became known about earlier today, authorities had trouble ascertaining to what extent AIDS has spread. Initial reports detailed multiple isolated cases, but as reports have been coming in it is clear that this is more than isolated. The Elderly are standing outside a tent provided by CDC undergoing blood tests and other organizations have stationed themselves outside retirement communities educating the elderly on safe sex practices. The full extent of the AIDS contagion will not be known about for quite some time.."

KEV turns off the TV with an expression of horror on his face.

KEV: "Be Careful what you wish for."

PHIL: "Naunna NOOOOO! I have to call Nauna"

PASSERBY walks up to KEV

PASSERBY: "AIDS to your grandmother"

KEV punches PASSERBY in the nose.

KEV: "A million dollars to your bank account!"

PASSERBY: (Expression of fear) "uh... A million dollars to your bank account."

KEV: "Now go spread it!"


End file.
